Once again, I have said too much.

So often, I find myself speaking out of turn; saying too much; with words pouring out of my heart unchecked, unbalanced, un-fettered by the dignity or decency of a filter as to what should and should not be said. “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” has rarely been truer than it is for me. At least, that’s how I feel so often.

So not long ago, I was talking to a friend. I knew it was time to go—time to cut off the conversation and go home. But what did I do? Did I say good night and part ways with my friend? No. I just kept talking. I talked myself into a topic that was just not necessary to bring up—a situation that did not involve my friend, and it didn’t need to involve her. A situation that was best left quietly finished, as it was. But did that stop me from delving into it? No. No, but it should have.

As soon as I started into that new topic, I was reminded, as I so often am, to close my mouth. To stop talking. Just stop. I’ve gotten better and better at listening to this warning from deep in my heart over the years, but for some reason, this time I just talked right through it. I didn’t obey. I chose not to obey. What utter foolishness it is to choose to disobey.

Recently I find myself fidgety in my faith. I’m not looking for a different one or having some sort of change of heart. I just find that it’s hard to process it and think it through. These are the times I envy you, the internal or mental processors out there—those of you who don’t need someone to talk things through with. Sometimes I really do envy you. For me, there are things that I think over for days, weeks, even years sometimes before they are spoken of to anyone, but most things I have to talk out with someone. I need sounding boards in my life. I need people willing to listen and respect me and take time to hear my thoughts without judgment. I need people willing to give feedback and speak back into my life and be heard on the topics heavy on my heart. Lately, I think that’s something I’ve been lacking.

For all the wonderful friends I have, and I do have some pretty wonderful friends, I don’t have one here in my current location that shares the same heart, the same faith, that I do and can delve into the deeper topics of life with me. I don’t have a sounding board for most things. And I wonder why not.

I think this is what has left me fidgety in my faith. So many things to talk out… but.

I know what many of you are thinking—there’s an old hymn with the answer. Take it to… And I have. I have. But I know that we were made for more than simple answers. I know that I have taken it to Him. I know that there is still a craving for one of like mind.

For what they’re worth, these are my thoughts for the night.

Too well written not to share

This is my friend Kendra's post about her family. It's very worth the read.

http://rachelamariah.blogspot.com/2010/09/gift-of-more-time.html

Have you found love?

I'm in the process of closing down a blog I started many moons ago. It was blocked by the Great Firewall and eventually left for dead. Interesting to go back and read old posts.

In the meantime, this song has been speaking to me tonight and making me think of the Father and where I am with Him these days. See what you think.


"Love" by Clarensau (Click to listen)

I saw love in a hurricane
Just after the storm
Running through the rain
I saw God on a busy street
In the face of a lonely man
Whose wallet was so thick, you wouldn't believe

I found love
I found love

I saw grace on a hotel floor
In a girl who's crying now
Hoping that there's something more
Than the cards she's been given
Than the hole in her heart
Than the pain and the memories
That Daddy left and caused

But I want to tell her
Oh, she has to know
I've found something bigger
Something that won't let go

I found love that will not leave
It will not leave, I found love

Even when I'm hurting
Even when I'm down
Your love will never leave me
I've found love

Even when I cannot stand
On my two feet again
Your love will never leave me
I've found love

Even when I find myself
At the end of my rope
Your love will never leave me
I've found love

Even when I've dug myself
Into a deeper hole
Your love will never leave me
I've found love

Wow… bad move.

You ever hear someone tell a story or read a post somewhere online—one in which the teller recounts a great triumph in some difficult situation? “The man” tried to stick it to me, but I stuck it to “the man!” Or She tried to tell me I couldn’t, but I did! You ever read one of those stories and think, “Wow… you really messed that up,” or worse? I did the other day.

I read a story someone I know tangentially wrote about their triumph in a situation where they were accused of doing something that they did… but they did unintentionally. The accuser was… rude… to say the least. That person? They stood up for themselves and stuck it to that accuser. Let me just say here that this was something mild and really not worth fighting over at all. The fact that not one but two people got riled up in the situation was, in my opinion, ridiculous. But I digress.

I read this person’s story of ‘triumph’ skeptically. It was an inter-cultural situation, and it took place in a place and culture I don’t understand very well. Despite that fact, after reading the story, all I could think was “Wow. You really messed that up. You messed it up, and you’re proud of yourself. Brilliant.”

So what do we do when we see someone patting themselves on the back, rejoicing in their perceived triumph, and really they just messed it all up?

I debated saying something, but I stopped myself half way through the first sentence in my head. I knew it wasn’t the course to take in this situation. Like I said, I barely know the person, and I’m not convinced I should say anything. But in the back of my mind I wonder… Should we tell people what we really think when the situation appears to be not exactly what they think it is?

I think the deeper question here is, when do we say something and when do we keep still? There doesn’t seem to be a real answer to that… at least from my perspective. The Spirit moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes He asks us to speak, and sometimes He asks us to be still. And there’s no telling which He’s asking someone else to do, either. But sometimes when I see every comment following a story like that all cheering the person on—all telling him what a great job he did and how that other guy was such a jerk (for standing up for himself, mind you, albeit rudely), it just leaves me feeling unsettled.